god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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