I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
