We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
