My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
