Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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