I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
