I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Every concussion has its silver lining
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize