you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
