I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
