I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
