drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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