five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
