just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
