she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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