What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Randomize
