So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
