so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
