I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
