I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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