Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
