So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
