have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
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