sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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