well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
