Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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