I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
