I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
