life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
