dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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