is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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