Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just want nice things and good sex
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
