I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
