I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
