No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
