You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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