drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
