So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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