I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
