so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
