she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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