dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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