he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
