I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
