I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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