HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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