We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize