My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
