after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
