i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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