ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
