Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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