Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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