operation have a gay friend backfired
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
