I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Who did Billy Mays play for?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
