I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
