TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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