I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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