There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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