Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
